When Being a Nerd Backfires...

This morning I was shaking off symptoms of allergies while aiding my family in cleaning the house. The Parents had some potential business partners come over to look at their project and to prepare for this we (my sister and I)  had to spend every moment between waking up and noon cleaning and prepping lunch. So I was operating at less than full capacity (what with my brains trying to escape through my nose) when I received the following text:
"I was wondering if you'd like to see eclipse with me this afternoon"

Now this text was from a dear dear friend whom I have known since I was a mere eight years old and I love spending time with her since we so rarely get to hang out. Plus my brain assumed "There's a solar eclipse today and I didn't know about it?!" Immediately I replied to the text with "Sure. What time?"

It wasn't until I got the reply, "I was thinking a matinée..." That a warning went off in my head telling me that something was rotten in the state of Denmark. At that time I was already committed and a tad confused. Roughly half an hour later, I was scrubbing the tub in the main bathroom that I made the connection and realized that what I was going to see was not a fascinating  natural phenomenon, but a movie inspired by Stephanie Meyer's self-insert fan-fiction the Twilight series.

I have read the first book of the series. After finishing it I declared the plot insipid and useless and a literary castration of some of the greatest villains in fiction both written and on the screen. The original vampire, Dracula by Bram Stoker, was such a great foe because he embodied all the vices of humanity that we so often want to lose ourselves to; despite the danger and potential consequences. That's what made him so seductive. Dracula was powerful in his ability to appeal to the sub-conscious desires of his victims. This made him simultaneously scary and alluring.

If I were a patient woman I would give you a blow by blow account of what is wrong with the premise of these movies. Luckily there are enough people in this world who agree with my feeling that they can argue for me.
The biggest issue is the relationship between Edward and Bella: http://kar3ning.livejournal.com/545639.html
And the other issue is Stephanie Meyer's writing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue

So the movie...
In order to make this review as complete as possible I had to wikipedia the movie to learn the names of the characters. I may never recover.
The Actors/acting:  I despise Kirsten Stewart and Robert Patterson equally. Their acting is wooden and their appearances are as bland as Kraft Singles (without the benefit of being sandwiched between two pieces of bread, lightly toasted in a pan, and dipped into tomato soup). The fact that they play the main characters in this saga does not endear me to the films in the least.
Edward's family were quiet and supportive and apparently act as vampire homeland security for the state of Washington. Bella's dad was the "grr I hate your boyfriend" stereotype to provide you a excuse for overly dramatic proclamations of love. The werewolves played the people of the earth blue collar metaphor to contrast with the Cullins high brow aristocratic metaphor.
However, Bryce Dallas Howard (the antagonist) and Taylor Lautner get points for being the most attractive members of the cast. Wolf-boy's abs made this a little less painful.
The Plot: First off I should mention I have neither read the second book or seen the second movie I was able to skip an entire installment with out being affected at all. Obviously the quality of this story is earth-shattering. Bella (poor innocent helpless Bella) is the target for an evil vampire's plot for revenge against Edward for killing her lover. However I distinctly remember that Alice (the tiny cute vampire) was the one responsible for the only worthwhile moment in the first film when she leaped on  the bad guy and ripped his head off. So Bryce Dallas' character should have been gunning for Alice's mate, Jasper.
Speaking of Jasper, he provided one of the more interesting plot points in the movie. With the exception of an ill -advised imitation of General Patton and an even worse southern accent (that was noticeably absent in the first film) the back story to his character was actually interesting.
Rosaline's three minutes of character development felt less forced than Jasper's and was just as entertaining. Frankly with a voice coach and some muscle tone for Jasper, and better dialog for both side-plots I would gladly pay to see both stories get their own full length film (with an R-rating to amp up the gore and horror elements and with an appeal to an older audience). Especially since the characters actually act like traditional vampires.
Film production: The director did what he could with what he was given and frankly given such puerile material did not opt to confuse the simplistic target audience with fancy directing. (BTW loved David Slade's Hard Candy, not a film for the weak of heart or stomach). I was impressed with the sound effects. The sound of vamp 1 ripping the limbs off of vamp 2 had enough other-worldliness not to be gross but enough similarity to the sound of cracking bones that most of the action could take place just outside of frame. Special effects, the wolves looked fake and the vampires still sparkle. (My heart goes out to all men who's S.O.'s have Twilight fever and pray you are not allergic to glitter) The soundtrack was actually really good.

To sum up I  did get to see a strange phenomenon. The rate at which these girls flock to the films and devour the books is nothing short of a natural wonder. In fact I still wonder what redeeming value can be found in this series at all.